Friday, February 19, 2016

The Gravity of The Situation

Things have not been going well. So much has happened since my last post. Some of it has been good. Most of it has been heart wrenching and ugly. The ugly realization that my life is about a stable and within my control as a sandcastle on the shores at high tide has been a tough pill to swallow, but I am learning to try to make the best of it. Most days, it feels like I'm trying tread water while wearing a weighted suit. It is exhausting, and very painful.

It was in the middle of December that my "husband" started texting someone that has been detrimental to our relationship from the very beginning. He has left me many times for her. It made my stomach hurt to learn this, but I have kept it to myself. I still keep it to myself, even though the last text conversation was very hurtful toward me. Yes, it is still happening. No, I really don't care enough anymore to even bother to say anything.

Exactly one month after my last post, my mother died. This has created a severe internal emotional crisis. I genuinely don't know how to deal with it either. There is so much history there, and most of it is ugly and painful. I don't want to be sad and heartbroken. I don't want to feel as though a weight has been lifted. I don't want to feel as though I have been abandoned again. But I feel all of those things. I'm angry. I'm heartbroken. I'm devastated. I love her and hate her.

I was not able to make it to be by her side before she died, but I was able to see her body. That was very important to me. It gave me the only closure I will ever gain from the situation. I know it sounds cold, but I just don't know how to feel about it. A support group I'm in led to me learning that this is called "complicated grief", and it is perfectly normal. It is just another aspect of myself to hate.

Girl one is doing very well on her meds at school. She does, however, refuse to take them on the weekend. Oh well. It is more important that she be stable there, since I cannot be there all day to provide the support she needs without them. I still have to deal with the nasty comments about her difficulties from him. That makes it so much more difficult. She still has a hard time with the constipation and encopresis, which is another form of hell all together.

Girl two is trying very ard t adjust, but I think she is still harboring a lot of resentment over the crap her father pulled to separate us. She fights a lot more with her brother and sister. She even makes up lies to get her sister into trouble. I did not want to believe it, but I heard her telling her little brother. It made me feel even worse. The little guy is growing like a weed. He is smart as hell, and his terrible two's are less than fun.

Things I have had to learn to accept as fact:
I have let him walk all over me for far too long. I used to love him so very much. Now, although I still love him, it is nothing like it was. I do not trust him. I have very god reasons not to. He is constantly reminding me f how unimportant I really am. I will certainly be writing more on that soon.
I am 33 years old, and I don't have a mother anymore. I can't call her. I will never hear her voice again. All the things left unsaid, all the questions unanswered will always be so.
I am trapped in a relationship where I am the only one actually emotionally invested. He does not love me at all.

More to come.

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