I never thought I would ever take you back. When I did, I never expected you to so thoroughly destroy any confidence I had left. You took all that was left of me when You walked out the door. All that is left is a bitter emptiness. My heart left with you. I do hope that you take good care of it. I think it will do you good. You need it more than I do anyway, since you lack one of your own. I find one thing more comprising than anything else you have done. Why the hell did you drive 1900 Miles to pick us up, not once, but twice? Why would you do that twice, just to leave us again? You can sit there and try to blame Lexie and her behavior issues, or you can try to blame my mood swings, but we both know that the truth lies inside you, and you alone. I will always love you. I am not even angry with you. I don't really know how to feel. But I am done. I will never give you the chance to hurt us again again. I do hope you have a fantastic and happy life.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
The oceans are vast. No land in sight. Still I swim.
The day has gone. Has turned to night. Still I swim.
My arms ache. My legs are sore. Can't give in.
It is getting hard to breathe, but still I swim.
There once were places, vast places, where it was dry.
I lost them all, in all the tears I've cried.
The salty water fills my nose and mouth.
It takes my breath. It steals my screams.
No matter how hard I try, you are not going to return.
In my eyes, I feel the water burn.
I am drowning.
Drowning in my love for you.
Drowning in my tears.
Drowning in your disinterest.
Drowning from my fears.
This goes on and on and on.
Why does drowning take so very long?
The tears will continue to fall.
Out here there is nothing. Nothing at all.
The world has become so empty...
Will someone come? Will someone rescue me?
Friday, September 5, 2014
So I may not be the world's best mother, but I know I am a damned good partner. I cook. I clean. I am enthusiastic about "other" things. I am fun. I am forever giving all I am and all I have to whomever I am with. The problem is that either they don't want it, it isn't good enough, or I am simply unlovable. I am going for all of the above. It has to be a combination of the three. I know the food I cook is yummy. I only stop cleaning when I feel it is unappreciated. I always lend a nonjudgmental ear when there has been a bad day. I always take their side. I still want to take his side. All logic says he is a jerk and does not deserve anything less than to get run over by a train. My brain and emotions say that does not matter. I love him. I am an idiot and I love him. I thought I was prepared for this day, but somehow it hurts more than it did last time.
In other news, I no longer have a babysitter or a job. Pretty soon I will not even have a home for me and my kids. I am desperately seeking a roommate, but so far there has been nothing promising. I feel like I am suffocating. I should be used to this by now, but somehow I'm not. I am falling apart. At least he was nice enough to leave the TV...I can watch all the shows we watched together on the television so that the effect is complete and I want to fucking kill myself, or smash the Tele, or both. I know he probably thought he was doing me a kindness, but never begging me back would have been the kindness. Now I have to live with the fact that I am a sucker. I am unlovable. I have caused my kids even more hurt. I have to deal with the fact that my heart belongs to someone that does not want it, and even if I am able to move on, I will never feel that for anyone again.
On top of everything else, my sisters both have been arrested in the last week. The younger one is fine and it was a mental slip. The older one isn't so lucky. She got caught in possession of something that is highly illegal in the one place that will nail her to the wall for it. I am hoping she learns her lesson from it all, but am not going to hold my breath. I love her, but I am so over all of the drama she brings into every life she enters. I hope she likes Oklahoma...she is going to be there for a long time.