A Bed To Sleep In

So, My son's father is going to be giving me part of his tax return. It is going to be enough to buy my kids proper beds. This makes me happier than you might imagine, since they have been sharing a darned futon since we moved in. All of his promises to get or build them a proper bed have fallen short, and I am taking it into my own hands. I will also be getting something for myself, paying off some debts, and putting the rest into savings. He will know nothing about it.

I am exhausted. Literally wiped out. This week has been very hard on me. I have managed, though, to do more in this one week than I usually manage in an entire month. My apartment is completely clean, with the exception of dishes, and has been so all week. I have managed to get them to school on time every day this week, even though the weather has been not so fun and my alarm has failed to go off twice. I have managed to cook a proper dinner every day but one. I call that hugely successful for someone like me.

All the work I've done has take its toll though. I'm in so much pain, and I want to do nothing but sleep. I have no motivation, and I hate myself for it. I told him we are out of milk, eggs, and bread, and you would think I told him his car was totaled. The sheer audacity of these kids, eating the food so he would have to go to the store. This was after, of course, I asked him to pick the girls u from school because I literally lacked the strength to get on the bicycle again. That is another thing that led to immediate regret.

I really hope I can keep this up...

I'm Here

Every now and again, I feel like something in my life happened to work out just right. Right now is one of those times. Yes, my life sucks. I am trapped in a relationship where there is no love and very little appreciation for me. But the girls are doing well in school. Girl 1's teacher told me yesterday that she things my daughter actually has a chance to move up to 4th instead of having to repeat. A few months ago, no one thought that would be possible. Girl two consistently makes student of the month...

But more than that, I have never really felt I was much use to anyone. I never thought I had much to offer. I have been here since September, and have met almost no one. But it turns out that this move was good for more than just us. You see, we got new neighbors a couple months ago. They were really friendly, introduced themselves. But my attention to detail misses nothing. He is an asshole. Not only is he an asshole, he is abusive. It has been nearly every night, and so many days that I listen to him verbally beat her up...

I kept telling myself that I needed to invite her for coffee, but every time I got up the courage, he would be home. I needed to let her know somehow that she was not alone. The way he yells, it was only a matter f time before there was an escalation. I was informed by the neighbor downstairs that the guy was arrested last night. I got a sick feeling. I just knew. And I knew what I had to do. I am so glad she was home. I asked her over for coffee and I thought she was going to cry.

As it turns out, she is really cool. We have a lot in common. She's funny. She's lonely. She has no one that will listen to her anymore. No one to be there for her through this. Well, now she does. I'm here...

"Fun" at Best Buy

Wednesday was a blast. It started off with being told that my job isn't good enough, so I don't deserve a new computer. It has a lot of potential, i that it can give me a tiny bit of financial independence. I hate feeling as though I have to ask permission for basic needs. It would be nice to be able to buy stuff I want just because too. Like...a cup of coffee that I didn't have to brew myself. Because y old laptop has issues, it barely does basic things, is gross, and cracked thanks to the kids, new laptop is required. I felt so small...

In the end, he decided it was okay, so off we went to Best Buy. After two hours of looking at TVs, even though he said we weren't going to buy one, I found a good laptop. another two hours, and he had picked out a TV and stand, and we were at the checkout with three miserable, tired, hungry children. But we didn't buy anything, because he put inn the wrong PIN and his card was locked. His bank has no after hours service.

So...Thursday. We return to Best Buy just after they open their doors, amidst a mass of spectators and screwed up parking for a racing event across the street. We gather, again, the things we meant to buy and get to checkout. Card declined. Because he had not bothered to call the bank beforehand. Somewhat embarrassing to have to go through that again, but fixed, Purchased. Done.

Except that he knows I need headphones. Cannot transcribe without them. So we agree that I will be able to get them next time we go to Walmart. Except when we go to Walmart, he thinks none of the headphones there are good enough, so he doesn't want to "waste the money" even though he had no problem wasting the money on the crappy ones we had to return to the outlet store. Then the kids want headphones, and he throws a fit because they had the nerve to ask for 10 dollar headphones that he can't afford, but he can afford to spend 60 dollars on more shirts and a new watch for himself.

The television is great. It is an Insignia Roku TV. Very nice. It is the first nice thing we have had in a very long time. I'm getting very tired of feeling less than deserving. It hurts. It is depressing. The I have to force myself to give a shit about everything else, while I feel like nothing about me matters at all. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. It's just hard...

Not A Fun Day...

Yesterday was his day off. We took the kids to the zoo. This zoo has to be the worst zoo we've ever had the displeasure of visiting. 

The parking lot is not so much a parking lot, as it is a partitioned field. There is about an acre of dirt and grass to park on. That's not so terrible. Great way to cut costs and focus on the animals, right? well...one of the first things you see as you walk up is a set of train tracks for their toy train. Tat means one of the first things your kids see is the nine dollar per person train. So, if you happen to have a young child that is mildly obsessed with such things, you are looking at your first meltdown. 

The next thing you will note is the admissions line. Not a big deal, right? They have three admissions windows. It seems like they are not too efficient, since the line stretches back 1,000 feet, wraps around all the way back, and out across the train tracks. You are going to stand in line for about 45 minutes. Fun! The entire time, you have dueling attention grabbers. The carousel, and the damned train. It isn't until you get to the tickets window that you realize that it isn't simple inefficiency. They are also trying to upsell everyone to their walk on water bubbles, zip line track, bungee jumping, etc. Oh, well. Not paying another 100 dollars for all that.

That's when the true horror begins. You have to walk through those thing, and past those thing, to get to the zoo entrance. Your *kids* have to walk through and past those things on the way to the actual zoo entrance. It's okay though, soon you will be safely within the confines of the fantastic zoo ad botanical garden....

Except, as soon as you enter...

The first thing you see, and your kids see, is the giant splash pad. Why? Why is this even here?? Of course, you are now a monster. An unfair jerk. A bully and a villain, because you told you kids no. No. That is not what we're here for. There is a huge splash pad just down the street from home. Right next to the ocean. For free. We didn't spend 70 dollars to do stuff we can do for free. Let's go see the animals. 

Well. It was lackluster at best. They did have a few big cats. No, not lions or tigers. Nope. But they were cool. They have two rhinos. Two. That made my day. Some giraffes, snakes, river otters. More camels than anything really. That would not have bothered'extras me s much if that had not spent so much focusing on the extras. f course, the kids could only focus on those things, and they were unhappy. So he was mean, and unhappy. But things got a little better on the way out. Shaved ice makes everyone happy.

For a while.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Walmart? Well, I do. It is a deep loathing. It is always far less pleasant with the kids, because he never wants to buy them anything, but they want him to. He literally lost his shit in there. I asked a question about the pizza he planned to buy for dinner. He lost his shit. I told him off this time, for all the good it did. I still left in tears and cried all the way home. I hate having days like this...

The Gravity of The Situation

Things have not been going well. So much has happened since my last post. Some of it has been good. Most of it has been heart wrenching and ugly. The ugly realization that my life is about a stable and within my control as a sandcastle on the shores at high tide has been a tough pill to swallow, but I am learning to try to make the best of it. Most days, it feels like I'm trying tread water while wearing a weighted suit. It is exhausting, and very painful.

It was in the middle of December that my "husband" started texting someone that has been detrimental to our relationship from the very beginning. He has left me many times for her. It made my stomach hurt to learn this, but I have kept it to myself. I still keep it to myself, even though the last text conversation was very hurtful toward me. Yes, it is still happening. No, I really don't care enough anymore to even bother to say anything.

Exactly one month after my last post, my mother died. This has created a severe internal emotional crisis. I genuinely don't know how to deal with it either. There is so much history there, and most of it is ugly and painful. I don't want to be sad and heartbroken. I don't want to feel as though a weight has been lifted. I don't want to feel as though I have been abandoned again. But I feel all of those things. I'm angry. I'm heartbroken. I'm devastated. I love her and hate her.

I was not able to make it to be by her side before she died, but I was able to see her body. That was very important to me. It gave me the only closure I will ever gain from the situation. I know it sounds cold, but I just don't know how to feel about it. A support group I'm in led to me learning that this is called "complicated grief", and it is perfectly normal. It is just another aspect of myself to hate.

Girl one is doing very well on her meds at school. She does, however, refuse to take them on the weekend. Oh well. It is more important that she be stable there, since I cannot be there all day to provide the support she needs without them. I still have to deal with the nasty comments about her difficulties from him. That makes it so much more difficult. She still has a hard time with the constipation and encopresis, which is another form of hell all together.

Girl two is trying very ard t adjust, but I think she is still harboring a lot of resentment over the crap her father pulled to separate us. She fights a lot more with her brother and sister. She even makes up lies to get her sister into trouble. I did not want to believe it, but I heard her telling her little brother. It made me feel even worse. The little guy is growing like a weed. He is smart as hell, and his terrible two's are less than fun.

Things I have had to learn to accept as fact:
I have let him walk all over me for far too long. I used to love him so very much. Now, although I still love him, it is nothing like it was. I do not trust him. I have very god reasons not to. He is constantly reminding me f how unimportant I really am. I will certainly be writing more on that soon.
I am 33 years old, and I don't have a mother anymore. I can't call her. I will never hear her voice again. All the things left unsaid, all the questions unanswered will always be so.
I am trapped in a relationship where I am the only one actually emotionally invested. He does not love me at all.

More to come.