Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Life As We Know It

I have spent several days trying to come up with a post that expresses how I feel in a way that isn't one long, nonsensical rant. So far, it hasn't worked. This is attempt number three. 

Today is November 8th. It's election day, and I should be out voting, but I can't because I moved and wasn't able to register to vote here in time. I guess the whole country is going to hell anyway. I'm terrified at the possible election outcomes but that is the least worst feeling I have right now.

Today is five days from my father's birthday. He would be 59 years old. I want to lay in bed and stay there. I want to scream and rage. I don't want to be here. I want my dad. 

Today is seven days from the six month anniversary of his death. How am I going to function? I feel like I can't breathe. The intense depression that I live with every day isn't anything compared with this. I feel like I'm dying inside. I don't want any of it anymore.

But every day, I get up. I clean, I cook, I paint a smile on my face and take care of my kids. All I want to do is cry. But wait...there's more.

There are nine days until my mother's birthday. She would be 55. On December 29th, it will have been one year since she died. We were not really close, or at least not often. She drove me out of my mind. She hurt me, abandoned me, cut me out of her life. she was also full of good advice. She was loving and giving. She was my mother.

Existing right now hurts. Please forgive me if I don't talk to you, comment on your facebook stuff, or seem to give a damn about your problems. Honestly, I probably don't. I normally would, but now isn't normal, and normal is subjective anyway. I highly doubt any of you really care, or even notice when I'm not around anyway.