Monday, April 21, 2014

The Parenting Game

Everything is different when you actually have kids. You can be around kids your entire life, and you will think you know everything there is to know about them. It is only when you are responsible for that tiny little being that you really get it. When their very existence, and whether or not they become amazing adults, depends on you, and the choices you make for them and their life. Every little thing can have a very big impact. It is only after you become a parent that you realize how incredibly hard parenting is.

Before your child is born, you already think you know it all. You hear the horror stories. You hear all of the success stories. You hear some people say research is key, and you hear others say that all of the research is bunk. Half of your family members say one thing, the other half another. Then you get pregnant and get even more advice, but from strangers. You better vaccinate. You'd better avoid vaccines. Better yet, avoid doctors in general. Formula is poison, if you feed that to your child, you don't love them. Breastfeeding is gross and sexual...

Then your baby is born. Hopefully by now you have had the chance to do research on your own and decided, on your own whether or not to vaccinate. If the baby is a boy, I hope you were able to make the choice that you thought was best in that area as well. Here is where things get more complicated. People are constantly judging you now. Everywhere you go, people are giving you unsolicited advice. Your baby is always wearing too many clothes, or not enough. You should not have your baby in that type of carrier, ever. You should wrap your baby. You should put your baby in a stroller. Your baby's chest clip is in the wrong place. Did you seriously think that your baby was your business? You were wrong.

Feeding your baby is always done incorrectly. It does not matter how and what you feed your child, you are doing it wrong, I promise. Can you nor breastfeed? You are just lazy. Are you breastfeeding? You are gross, cover up or pump and give that baby a bottle. Are you seriously thinking about starting your baby on solids at six months? You are going to make your baby fat! Why have you not started solids yet? Do you really want to starve your baby?! I sure hope that you are not buying brand name baby food! That stuff is full of gmos and will kill your baby. You should be grinding your baby's food yourself. 

Are you thinking about going back to work after baby? You are a horrible, uncaring mother. Do you plan on staying home with baby? You are a lazy leach living off welfare. Are you still with baby's father? You are going to let that baby ruin your relationship. Are you a single mom? No matter the reason, you are a whore. Do you drink now? Ever? You are a terrible parent and do not deserve kids. Do you have date nights without baby? Horrible! You should always be at little one's side! Did you seriously bring your baby out to dinner? Goodness, hire a babysitter so I don't have to be subjected to your child.

This is only the beginning, mind you. Being a parent is hard. Letting everyone get to you makes it harder. Either you will go crazy tying to please everyone else and make your child miserable in the process, or you will become that sanctimonious witch that everyone cannot stand. Things actually get easier, I promise. But then they get harder. Then they get impossible. But I will get into that later...

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