Friday, September 5, 2014

Alone Again

So I may not be the world's best mother, but I know I am a damned good partner. I cook. I clean. I am enthusiastic about "other" things. I am fun. I am forever giving all I am and all I have to whomever I am with. The problem is that either they don't want it, it isn't good enough, or I am simply unlovable. I am going for all of the above. It has to be a combination of the three. I know the food I cook is yummy. I only stop cleaning when I feel it is unappreciated. I always lend a nonjudgmental ear when there has been a bad day. I always take their side. I still want to take his side. All logic says he is a jerk and does not deserve anything less than to get run over by a train. My brain and emotions say that does not matter. I love him. I am an idiot and I love him. I thought I was prepared for this day, but somehow it hurts more than it did last time.

In other news, I no longer have a babysitter or a job. Pretty soon I will not even have a home for me and my kids. I am desperately seeking a roommate, but so far there has been nothing promising. I feel like I am suffocating. I should be used to this by now, but somehow I'm not. I am falling apart. At least he was nice enough to leave the TV...I can watch all the shows we watched together on the television so that the effect is complete and I want to fucking kill myself, or smash the Tele, or both. I know he probably thought he was doing me a kindness, but never begging me back would have been the kindness. Now I have to live with the fact that I am a sucker. I am unlovable. I have caused my kids even more hurt. I have to deal with the fact that my heart belongs to someone that does not want it, and even if I am able to move on, I will never feel that for anyone again. 

On top of everything else, my sisters both have been arrested in the last week. The younger one is fine and it was a mental slip. The older one isn't so lucky. She got caught in possession of something that is highly illegal in the one place that will nail her to the wall for it. I am hoping she learns her lesson from it all, but am not going to hold my breath. I love her, but I am so over all of the drama she brings into every life she enters. I hope she likes Oklahoma...she is going to be there for a long time.

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