"Fun" at Best Buy

Wednesday was a blast. It started off with being told that my job isn't good enough, so I don't deserve a new computer. It has a lot of potential, i that it can give me a tiny bit of financial independence. I hate feeling as though I have to ask permission for basic needs. It would be nice to be able to buy stuff I want just because too. Like...a cup of coffee that I didn't have to brew myself. Because y old laptop has issues, it barely does basic things, is gross, and cracked thanks to the kids, new laptop is required. I felt so small...

In the end, he decided it was okay, so off we went to Best Buy. After two hours of looking at TVs, even though he said we weren't going to buy one, I found a good laptop. another two hours, and he had picked out a TV and stand, and we were at the checkout with three miserable, tired, hungry children. But we didn't buy anything, because he put inn the wrong PIN and his card was locked. His bank has no after hours service.

So...Thursday. We return to Best Buy just after they open their doors, amidst a mass of spectators and screwed up parking for a racing event across the street. We gather, again, the things we meant to buy and get to checkout. Card declined. Because he had not bothered to call the bank beforehand. Somewhat embarrassing to have to go through that again, but fixed, Purchased. Done.

Except that he knows I need headphones. Cannot transcribe without them. So we agree that I will be able to get them next time we go to Walmart. Except when we go to Walmart, he thinks none of the headphones there are good enough, so he doesn't want to "waste the money" even though he had no problem wasting the money on the crappy ones we had to return to the outlet store. Then the kids want headphones, and he throws a fit because they had the nerve to ask for 10 dollar headphones that he can't afford, but he can afford to spend 60 dollars on more shirts and a new watch for himself.

The television is great. It is an Insignia Roku TV. Very nice. It is the first nice thing we have had in a very long time. I'm getting very tired of feeling less than deserving. It hurts. It is depressing. The I have to force myself to give a shit about everything else, while I feel like nothing about me matters at all. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. It's just hard...

Not A Fun Day...

Yesterday was his day off. We took the kids to the zoo. This zoo has to be the worst zoo we've ever had the displeasure of visiting. 

The parking lot is not so much a parking lot, as it is a partitioned field. There is about an acre of dirt and grass to park on. That's not so terrible. Great way to cut costs and focus on the animals, right? well...one of the first things you see as you walk up is a set of train tracks for their toy train. Tat means one of the first things your kids see is the nine dollar per person train. So, if you happen to have a young child that is mildly obsessed with such things, you are looking at your first meltdown. 

The next thing you will note is the admissions line. Not a big deal, right? They have three admissions windows. It seems like they are not too efficient, since the line stretches back 1,000 feet, wraps around all the way back, and out across the train tracks. You are going to stand in line for about 45 minutes. Fun! The entire time, you have dueling attention grabbers. The carousel, and the damned train. It isn't until you get to the tickets window that you realize that it isn't simple inefficiency. They are also trying to upsell everyone to their walk on water bubbles, zip line track, bungee jumping, etc. Oh, well. Not paying another 100 dollars for all that.

That's when the true horror begins. You have to walk through those thing, and past those thing, to get to the zoo entrance. Your *kids* have to walk through and past those things on the way to the actual zoo entrance. It's okay though, soon you will be safely within the confines of the fantastic zoo ad botanical garden....

Except, as soon as you enter...

The first thing you see, and your kids see, is the giant splash pad. Why? Why is this even here?? Of course, you are now a monster. An unfair jerk. A bully and a villain, because you told you kids no. No. That is not what we're here for. There is a huge splash pad just down the street from home. Right next to the ocean. For free. We didn't spend 70 dollars to do stuff we can do for free. Let's go see the animals. 

Well. It was lackluster at best. They did have a few big cats. No, not lions or tigers. Nope. But they were cool. They have two rhinos. Two. That made my day. Some giraffes, snakes, river otters. More camels than anything really. That would not have bothered'extras me s much if that had not spent so much focusing on the extras. f course, the kids could only focus on those things, and they were unhappy. So he was mean, and unhappy. But things got a little better on the way out. Shaved ice makes everyone happy.

For a while.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Walmart? Well, I do. It is a deep loathing. It is always far less pleasant with the kids, because he never wants to buy them anything, but they want him to. He literally lost his shit in there. I asked a question about the pizza he planned to buy for dinner. He lost his shit. I told him off this time, for all the good it did. I still left in tears and cried all the way home. I hate having days like this...

The Gravity of The Situation

Things have not been going well. So much has happened since my last post. Some of it has been good. Most of it has been heart wrenching and ugly. The ugly realization that my life is about a stable and within my control as a sandcastle on the shores at high tide has been a tough pill to swallow, but I am learning to try to make the best of it. Most days, it feels like I'm trying tread water while wearing a weighted suit. It is exhausting, and very painful.

It was in the middle of December that my "husband" started texting someone that has been detrimental to our relationship from the very beginning. He has left me many times for her. It made my stomach hurt to learn this, but I have kept it to myself. I still keep it to myself, even though the last text conversation was very hurtful toward me. Yes, it is still happening. No, I really don't care enough anymore to even bother to say anything.

Exactly one month after my last post, my mother died. This has created a severe internal emotional crisis. I genuinely don't know how to deal with it either. There is so much history there, and most of it is ugly and painful. I don't want to be sad and heartbroken. I don't want to feel as though a weight has been lifted. I don't want to feel as though I have been abandoned again. But I feel all of those things. I'm angry. I'm heartbroken. I'm devastated. I love her and hate her.

I was not able to make it to be by her side before she died, but I was able to see her body. That was very important to me. It gave me the only closure I will ever gain from the situation. I know it sounds cold, but I just don't know how to feel about it. A support group I'm in led to me learning that this is called "complicated grief", and it is perfectly normal. It is just another aspect of myself to hate.

Girl one is doing very well on her meds at school. She does, however, refuse to take them on the weekend. Oh well. It is more important that she be stable there, since I cannot be there all day to provide the support she needs without them. I still have to deal with the nasty comments about her difficulties from him. That makes it so much more difficult. She still has a hard time with the constipation and encopresis, which is another form of hell all together.

Girl two is trying very ard t adjust, but I think she is still harboring a lot of resentment over the crap her father pulled to separate us. She fights a lot more with her brother and sister. She even makes up lies to get her sister into trouble. I did not want to believe it, but I heard her telling her little brother. It made me feel even worse. The little guy is growing like a weed. He is smart as hell, and his terrible two's are less than fun.

Things I have had to learn to accept as fact:
I have let him walk all over me for far too long. I used to love him so very much. Now, although I still love him, it is nothing like it was. I do not trust him. I have very god reasons not to. He is constantly reminding me f how unimportant I really am. I will certainly be writing more on that soon.
I am 33 years old, and I don't have a mother anymore. I can't call her. I will never hear her voice again. All the things left unsaid, all the questions unanswered will always be so.
I am trapped in a relationship where I am the only one actually emotionally invested. He does not love me at all.

More to come.

Breathing new life into old things

You know, life is not easy. Not for adults, not for children, and especially not for parents. You know that feeling when you know that you are doing everything you can but everything is still falling apart on the regular? Yep.

I'm terrible at blog maintenance. Just as bad at keeping a journal, even when it is important. Why? Depression maybe. Who knows. Here is what has happened over the last year:

I became homeless. Became estranged from many family members because I was unwilling to give them all I had. Gained friends, moved three times to three states. No longer homeless, but hopelessly broke. But yay, there's a beach a couple blocks away. A real beach. Whatever.

My older daughter had to be hospitalized for being a danger to others. She is now on medication. My younger daughter is her normal ray of sunshine self. My little guy is growing like crazy, potty trained, and very much a two year old.

Between worries about bills, feeding my family, and my mental health, I'm falling apart. I can't even buy gifts for the upcoming holiday, much less my big girl's 9th birthday. But we have a roof over our heads. No friends or nearby family, but no motels, couches, or shelters. You win some...

Emptiness

I never thought I would ever take you back. When I did, I never expected you to so thoroughly destroy any confidence I had left. You took all that was left of me when You walked out the door. All that is left is a bitter emptiness. My heart left with you. I do hope that you take good care of it. I think it will do you good. You need it more than I do anyway, since you lack one of your own. I find one thing more comprising than anything else you have done. Why the hell did you drive 1900 Miles to pick us up, not once, but twice? Why would you do that twice, just to leave us again? You can sit there and try to blame Lexie and her behavior issues, or you can try to blame my mood swings, but we both know that the truth lies inside you, and you alone. I will always love you. I am not even angry with you. I don't really know how to feel. But I am done. I will never give you the chance to hurt us again again. I do hope you have a fantastic and happy life.

Drowning

The oceans are vast. No land in sight. Still I swim. 

The day has gone. Has turned to night. Still I swim.

My arms ache. My legs are sore. Can't give in.

It is getting hard to breathe, but still I swim.

There once were places, vast places, where it was dry.

I lost them all, in all the tears I've cried. 

The salty water fills my nose and mouth.

It takes my breath. It steals my screams.

No matter how hard I try, you are not going to return.

In my eyes, I feel the water burn.

I am drowning. 

Drowning in my love for you.

Drowning in my tears.

Drowning in your disinterest.

Drowning from my fears.

This goes on and on and on.

Why does drowning take so very long?

The tears will continue to fall.

Out here there is nothing. Nothing at all.

The world has become so empty...

Will someone come? Will someone rescue me?

Alone Again

So I may not be the world's best mother, but I know I am a damned good partner. I cook. I clean. I am enthusiastic about "other" things. I am fun. I am forever giving all I am and all I have to whomever I am with. The problem is that either they don't want it, it isn't good enough, or I am simply unlovable. I am going for all of the above. It has to be a combination of the three. I know the food I cook is yummy. I only stop cleaning when I feel it is unappreciated. I always lend a nonjudgmental ear when there has been a bad day. I always take their side. I still want to take his side. All logic says he is a jerk and does not deserve anything less than to get run over by a train. My brain and emotions say that does not matter. I love him. I am an idiot and I love him. I thought I was prepared for this day, but somehow it hurts more than it did last time.

In other news, I no longer have a babysitter or a job. Pretty soon I will not even have a home for me and my kids. I am desperately seeking a roommate, but so far there has been nothing promising. I feel like I am suffocating. I should be used to this by now, but somehow I'm not. I am falling apart. At least he was nice enough to leave the TV...I can watch all the shows we watched together on the television so that the effect is complete and I want to fucking kill myself, or smash the Tele, or both. I know he probably thought he was doing me a kindness, but never begging me back would have been the kindness. Now I have to live with the fact that I am a sucker. I am unlovable. I have caused my kids even more hurt. I have to deal with the fact that my heart belongs to someone that does not want it, and even if I am able to move on, I will never feel that for anyone again. 

On top of everything else, my sisters both have been arrested in the last week. The younger one is fine and it was a mental slip. The older one isn't so lucky. She got caught in possession of something that is highly illegal in the one place that will nail her to the wall for it. I am hoping she learns her lesson from it all, but am not going to hold my breath. I love her, but I am so over all of the drama she brings into every life she enters. I hope she likes Oklahoma...she is going to be there for a long time.