My Computer Seems to Hate Me

Everything feels like it is trying to build up to an unpleasant climax. It is like there is some joke that every in my life is in on, but me. It isn't just the people in my life either, it is the things. It seems that I can not have all of the things I own working in harmony. Many times, when I need them most, they refuse to work properly, or at all.

Today, as my beautiful seven year old child was trying to do her schoolwork, my computer decided to start acting funny. The mouse would not respond, the buttons on the built in keyboard were pressing themselves, it was as if it were possessed. The computer said the keyboard was working properly. If pressing its own buttons is proper, maybe it should write my blog for me too?

I restarted my computer several times and got the same result do I decided to just uninstall the darned thing since we have been working using a USB keyboard anyway. All hell broke loose. Restarting my system left it screaming at me, time and again. I ran the start up diagnostic, and it said that although it would not start up, it was in perfect operating condition.

Well, it seems to be working fine now. It, against my wishes, reinstalled the built in keyboard, but it is no longer trying to type on its own (thank goodness, since it couldn't spell worth a damn), and the mouse is functioning properly. This all happened just in time for her to not have time for her school work, since we have to be out the door in about an hour for my appointment. I am assuming the doctor did not just decide to leave an hour into the day since I did not get a call. I also did not get a call yesterday, when the doctor bailed. 

I guess I just have to keep my fingers crossed and hope that I will actually be able to see by the end of the day.

I was accused of poor shaming today...

Anyone that knows me knows that I have had to go without growing up. sometimes that meant food, sometimes it meant a lot more than food. My dad worked hard just to keep a roof over our heads, and even with assistance, there were large gaps in the month where we had next to nothing. Even today, I am poor. I go without, more often than not, just so the kids do not have to. 

Slate.com posted an article about how IQ and SAT scores actually can help predict how well a person might do in college. Many of the commenters said something to the effect of wealth being the only way a person can have a high IQ or SAT scares, which I found to be insulting to me and every single poor person in this country. 

I stated that I do not believe that IQ comes from wealth. If that were the case, we would have no one that lives in poverty that has a measured IQ over 85. I aso do not believe that SAT scores are entire related to wealth either. I believe that if at least one parent is able to take time to read to the child, and be involved completely in their education, there would be fewer low test scores among the poverty stricken.

I got called a poor shamer and told that I must have never gone hungry. If I had, I would not say such things. How arrogant of me to shame those poor people. I sure showed them by telling them that money isn't what makes a person intelligent. Wait, what?

I refuse to believe that money is what makes people intelligent. I believe it is insulting to all of the poor people that are scrimping and saving every penny they have for their children to have opportunity. I believe it is insulting to every person that pulled themselves out of poverty by fighting with all they have to get those scholarships. I am angry that people refuse to believe that poor people are intelligent, and you should be too.

Statistics show that nearly half of our country lives in extreme poverty. Most of the extremely poor are children. Many of them hear things like this, and they give up. They do not realize that they could change this country, and the world. They do not think that they can be intelligent, simply because some article says so. But it is not true.

This breaks my heart and infuriates me more than I can truly express in type. Nearly everyone in this country (as well as the rest of the world) has the ability to get those higher scores. The difference between the rich and the poor is time. Rich people may not take time, but they pay someone else to. They pay a nanny or daycare to read to them, to work with them on numbers, shapes, colors, and later, tutors for homework. The poor do not have that luxury, and do not have a lot of time.

There is a little known secret about time. Time works for you, not against you. Every minute can be something. My dad...he hardly had time to get enough sleep before getting up for work. He almost never had a day off. He worked the most insane amount of hours I have ever seen, and I thought it would kill him. He also read to us every night. He also helped us with our homework. He also made time to explain things we did not understand.

If we, as the poor, were all able to find a way to manage our time so that our kids did have all of that, we would change the dynamic of this country. No, it has nothing to do with being lazy. It has to do with ability, I know that better than anyone. I am not poor shaming, but putting out an idea that I know would make a difference. I have read the studies and I have the experience that correlates. I know it is hard when you only have 5 hours to sleep between shifts. I know it is hard when you are stressed about the next meal. I know it is hard to focus when all you can think about is keeping enough gas in your car to keep your job. If you cannot make that time, you can't. You are doing your best as a parent, and sometimes our best is work/sleep/work. Sometimes though, we have time we didn't even know we had...

Always Learning

We, as humans, have the opportunity to learn something new every day. This is what I have learned in recent days:

1. Love isn't something you can just shut off, even if the person hurt you tremendously. When you love someone, you love them. Conversely, you cannot make yourself love someone you don't,  no matter how much you care for them otherwise. You also cannot make someone love you. It is oure luck to fall in love with someone and itbe mutual.

2. I love my kids more than I love anything.

3. Even though my kids can be a handful, being without any of them for any amount of time is unbearable.

4. As much as I love my kids and want to spend every possible moment with them, I dont really like other people's kids very much.

5. Most people really are not very intelligent. The least intelligent are usually the ones spouting off about how smart they are.

What it is...and isn't

So I am sitting here with my beautiful children, and know that they are the best thing in my life. I am watching my brilliant seven year old complete logic puzzles (which is amazing) while her younger brother and sister nap. To know what she goes through breaks my heart, but I know that she is amazing.Life is hard on all of us right now, but so much more difficult for her. 

Yule time is coming, and it is going to be amazing. We are so broke. I did not think we were going to have anything. i managed to make magic work, with the help of an amazing man. They will have so many gifts to open they are not going to know what to do with themselves. Because I am sneaky and clever, we will also have an amazing roast for dinner with lots of yummy desserts. 

They miss Virginia. I never thought they would as much as the older one begged to come back to Colorado, but they are so unhappy here. Their dad is not very involved, even when he is around. He has a tendency to be a bit of a jerk, especially to the oldest. She deserves so much better, and I have to find a way to make that happen.

With very little money for food, and someone being so irresponsible that we can barely cover the rent and bills (leaving me penniless throughout the month although he certainly goes without nothing), things certainly have to change. This is even more true now that I know what my oldest girl is suffering with. Now she requires a special diet...and medicine. Not all of it is inexpensive.

I cannot praise Children's Hospital enough. These people took me seriously, and know children well enough to not dismiss my concerns as so many other doctors have. They knew what it was before they even ran any tests. They gave me a name for her problem, and gave me the tools to fix it. And Nurse Pixie (yes, that absolutely IS her name, but I may be spelling it wrong), I cannot thank you enough. You were kind to my daughter, but firm. That is what she needs. You were so understanding.

Life is never without its challenges, and if we give up we will never know why. It would be so much easier without the other things, but the fight is worth fighting I think. My older daughter is fighting a good fight now. Trying to retrain herself, even though we have yet to be able to get the medicine and special food she needs. She is asking for things like green beans for snacks. She is making herself do what she has for so long fought against...all by herself. The pride I feel for her is only reflected in her beaming face every time. I am so so proud of her...no matter what happens and how hard it may get.

The devastating habit and the amazing astronaut

So girl 1 is steadily making herself more and more ill. Today she is running a fever, but still refuses to use the bathroom. I am calling a clinic to make an appointment for her. Someone HAS to take this seriously. She does not eat anything of substance. When she does, it is not enough to help her. She is not eating enough to sustain herself and gets exhausted quickly. I can count her ribs ffs. This is killing me. If the clinics will not take me seriously, I will be taking her to the emergency room,because she is fucking dying.

Girl two has an amazing imagination and is reaching for the stars, quite literally. She took a box, and decorated it. She told me "This is my rocket ship. Do you like it? It is going to take me to the moon someday..." This is the first time she has shown any desire to be in any career as an adult. Interesting that it would be something so difficult to achieve. I hope that if this is a goal for her, that she never gives up...

Birthday Pancakes

My beautiful big girl turned 7 today. She asked for pancakes for breakfast. She is not even upset that I cannot afford a gift for her. She is so amazing. ..

Awesomely horrible...

I have some truly awesome kiddos. The smallest one loves punk music. He will dance to it and smile. He even tries to sing along. If he has to go too many days without hearing hours of it, he gets unbearably cranky. Girl 2 is sweet and funny. She know a lot of bigger than her words, and how to use them correctly. She is lovey and cuddly. Her temper is amazing too, but even while she is screaming and stomping her feet (which she does while screaming stomp, stomp, stomp), she will tell you what she is angry about and can be easily brought back into a calmer state.

Girl 1 is pretty amazing too. She is smart, but is always telling herself she can't. I hate that. I think that is the worst four letter word out there...can't. With a little patience and guidance, she sees that she can, ad her face lights up so bright. She is a math wiz, but gets really bored very quickly. She is getting so much better at reading, but she would rather be doing anything else but schooling. She is also amazingly frustrating...

Getting her to do her schoolwork is amazingly difficult and frustrating. It is always a huge fight and she has gotten way behind. When she gets upset or overwhelmed, there are violent meltdowns and extreme tantrums. The worst thing though...well the hardest thing for me to handle is her bathroom problem. I wish there was a way to fix it. She won't go #2. She will hold it until she makes messes in her clothes, but it doesn't even end there. She will hide and use whatever she can get her hands on to clean herself up. This is not limited to her clothes, it extends to her sister's, her brother's, and even mine. 

I am hoping to have medicaid for her soon so I can take her to a doctor. I am just afraid it is going to be fight after fight to get any of them to listen to me. She makes herself sick with it. The last doctor she had said it wasn't a problem...but it is. It is a huge problem. She hardly eats, she is always tired, she never feels well. She gets low grade fevers because her body is fighting to get rid of the waste. Why does this have to be so hard? :(