Life As We Know It

I have spent several days trying to come up with a post that expresses how I feel in a way that isn't one long, nonsensical rant. So far, it hasn't worked. This is attempt number three. 

Today is November 8th. It's election day, and I should be out voting, but I can't because I moved and wasn't able to register to vote here in time. I guess the whole country is going to hell anyway. I'm terrified at the possible election outcomes but that is the least worst feeling I have right now.

Today is five days from my father's birthday. He would be 59 years old. I want to lay in bed and stay there. I want to scream and rage. I don't want to be here. I want my dad. 

Today is seven days from the six month anniversary of his death. How am I going to function? I feel like I can't breathe. The intense depression that I live with every day isn't anything compared with this. I feel like I'm dying inside. I don't want any of it anymore.

But every day, I get up. I clean, I cook, I paint a smile on my face and take care of my kids. All I want to do is cry. But wait...there's more.

There are nine days until my mother's birthday. She would be 55. On December 29th, it will have been one year since she died. We were not really close, or at least not often. She drove me out of my mind. She hurt me, abandoned me, cut me out of her life. she was also full of good advice. She was loving and giving. She was my mother.

Existing right now hurts. Please forgive me if I don't talk to you, comment on your facebook stuff, or seem to give a damn about your problems. Honestly, I probably don't. I normally would, but now isn't normal, and normal is subjective anyway. I highly doubt any of you really care, or even notice when I'm not around anyway.

I Read Somewhere Once

...or at least I think I did, that our identities are tied to our experiences and relationships. That means that the life you've lived, and the people that have held influential roles, help you to define yourself as a person. For most people, I guess that works. For m, not so much. The more I try to figure it out, the less sense I can make of it, actually.

I have no identity. I don't know who I am.

I thought I did, when my mother was alive and I could be angry with her for the shit hand she dealt us all without feeling guilty. I could call her and ask her for advice. I could laugh with her about something completely stupid.

I thought I did, when I could stand out on the porch with my dad, smoke a cigarette, and talk about nothing and everything. When I could call him and ramble on bout whatever inane bullshit was getting on my nerves at the time and hear his voice on the other end of the phone.

Now I realize that I am not who I thought I was. I don't know who I am at all.

This is very hard to admit for someone like me. Well, for me specifically. I'm not really sure there is anyone out there like me anymore, because I can't even tell you about me. With few exceptions, I know basically nothing about myself.

Here is what I do know, for sure:

I never hayed my mother. I never forgave her for the damage she caused, but I did come to terms with the fact that she really didn't mean to.

I swore it wouldn't matter very much to me when she died, because I had convinced myself I didn't really care anymore. I was wrong, wronger than wrong. And I lied to myself.

I was right when I said the losing my father would devastate me more than anything else in my life ever has. And trust me, that is an insane amount of devastation.

I absolutely have Borderline Personality Disorder. This is not the curse I was led to believe it was, and shame on the media for perpetuating it as such.

My children come before anyone. Anyone.

I don't want to be alive. I never have. Ever.

The above statement does not imply suicidality. I work hard, every minute of every day to show the kids a happy face, and a mom that loves them above all else.

I know I spend every minute of every day in pain. Some physical, so much emotional. I know I keep fighting because that's what we do in my family. We keep pushing through every wound, through every agonizing blow and stab...and we do this until we cease to exist.

What I don't know is...

Who am I?

Not doing so well...

I'm pretty terrible at keeping this updated. 

A few things have happened since my last post that are really taking a toll on my mental health. First, I found out he was cheating, and had to listen to him lie to me about it. Multiple times. Oh well, right. I'm the dumb bitch that stays (because I literally have nowhere else to go and no way to get there). 

Anyway, he's been putting on  hell of a show, treating me better, acting so caring. I should have known how fake it all was. Until A few days ago, he really had me fooled. I caught him, completely by accident. He admits it, then tells me he doesn't want it to change our relationship. The fact that he's cheating and hiring prostitutes isn't something that that he wants to change our relationship? Really?

I pretend that I'm okay, but I'm really not. I'm hiding in my bedroom, crying, because it is just another thing on top of everything else. I am broken. I am nothing. I will never be good enough...

A Bed To Sleep In

So, My son's father is going to be giving me part of his tax return. It is going to be enough to buy my kids proper beds. This makes me happier than you might imagine, since they have been sharing a darned futon since we moved in. All of his promises to get or build them a proper bed have fallen short, and I am taking it into my own hands. I will also be getting something for myself, paying off some debts, and putting the rest into savings. He will know nothing about it.

I am exhausted. Literally wiped out. This week has been very hard on me. I have managed, though, to do more in this one week than I usually manage in an entire month. My apartment is completely clean, with the exception of dishes, and has been so all week. I have managed to get them to school on time every day this week, even though the weather has been not so fun and my alarm has failed to go off twice. I have managed to cook a proper dinner every day but one. I call that hugely successful for someone like me.

All the work I've done has take its toll though. I'm in so much pain, and I want to do nothing but sleep. I have no motivation, and I hate myself for it. I told him we are out of milk, eggs, and bread, and you would think I told him his car was totaled. The sheer audacity of these kids, eating the food so he would have to go to the store. This was after, of course, I asked him to pick the girls u from school because I literally lacked the strength to get on the bicycle again. That is another thing that led to immediate regret.

I really hope I can keep this up...

I'm Here

Every now and again, I feel like something in my life happened to work out just right. Right now is one of those times. Yes, my life sucks. I am trapped in a relationship where there is no love and very little appreciation for me. But the girls are doing well in school. Girl 1's teacher told me yesterday that she things my daughter actually has a chance to move up to 4th instead of having to repeat. A few months ago, no one thought that would be possible. Girl two consistently makes student of the month...

But more than that, I have never really felt I was much use to anyone. I never thought I had much to offer. I have been here since September, and have met almost no one. But it turns out that this move was good for more than just us. You see, we got new neighbors a couple months ago. They were really friendly, introduced themselves. But my attention to detail misses nothing. He is an asshole. Not only is he an asshole, he is abusive. It has been nearly every night, and so many days that I listen to him verbally beat her up...

I kept telling myself that I needed to invite her for coffee, but every time I got up the courage, he would be home. I needed to let her know somehow that she was not alone. The way he yells, it was only a matter f time before there was an escalation. I was informed by the neighbor downstairs that the guy was arrested last night. I got a sick feeling. I just knew. And I knew what I had to do. I am so glad she was home. I asked her over for coffee and I thought she was going to cry.

As it turns out, she is really cool. We have a lot in common. She's funny. She's lonely. She has no one that will listen to her anymore. No one to be there for her through this. Well, now she does. I'm here...

"Fun" at Best Buy

Wednesday was a blast. It started off with being told that my job isn't good enough, so I don't deserve a new computer. It has a lot of potential, i that it can give me a tiny bit of financial independence. I hate feeling as though I have to ask permission for basic needs. It would be nice to be able to buy stuff I want just because too. Like...a cup of coffee that I didn't have to brew myself. Because y old laptop has issues, it barely does basic things, is gross, and cracked thanks to the kids, new laptop is required. I felt so small...

In the end, he decided it was okay, so off we went to Best Buy. After two hours of looking at TVs, even though he said we weren't going to buy one, I found a good laptop. another two hours, and he had picked out a TV and stand, and we were at the checkout with three miserable, tired, hungry children. But we didn't buy anything, because he put inn the wrong PIN and his card was locked. His bank has no after hours service.

So...Thursday. We return to Best Buy just after they open their doors, amidst a mass of spectators and screwed up parking for a racing event across the street. We gather, again, the things we meant to buy and get to checkout. Card declined. Because he had not bothered to call the bank beforehand. Somewhat embarrassing to have to go through that again, but fixed, Purchased. Done.

Except that he knows I need headphones. Cannot transcribe without them. So we agree that I will be able to get them next time we go to Walmart. Except when we go to Walmart, he thinks none of the headphones there are good enough, so he doesn't want to "waste the money" even though he had no problem wasting the money on the crappy ones we had to return to the outlet store. Then the kids want headphones, and he throws a fit because they had the nerve to ask for 10 dollar headphones that he can't afford, but he can afford to spend 60 dollars on more shirts and a new watch for himself.

The television is great. It is an Insignia Roku TV. Very nice. It is the first nice thing we have had in a very long time. I'm getting very tired of feeling less than deserving. It hurts. It is depressing. The I have to force myself to give a shit about everything else, while I feel like nothing about me matters at all. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. It's just hard...

Not A Fun Day...

Yesterday was his day off. We took the kids to the zoo. This zoo has to be the worst zoo we've ever had the displeasure of visiting. 

The parking lot is not so much a parking lot, as it is a partitioned field. There is about an acre of dirt and grass to park on. That's not so terrible. Great way to cut costs and focus on the animals, right? well...one of the first things you see as you walk up is a set of train tracks for their toy train. Tat means one of the first things your kids see is the nine dollar per person train. So, if you happen to have a young child that is mildly obsessed with such things, you are looking at your first meltdown. 

The next thing you will note is the admissions line. Not a big deal, right? They have three admissions windows. It seems like they are not too efficient, since the line stretches back 1,000 feet, wraps around all the way back, and out across the train tracks. You are going to stand in line for about 45 minutes. Fun! The entire time, you have dueling attention grabbers. The carousel, and the damned train. It isn't until you get to the tickets window that you realize that it isn't simple inefficiency. They are also trying to upsell everyone to their walk on water bubbles, zip line track, bungee jumping, etc. Oh, well. Not paying another 100 dollars for all that.

That's when the true horror begins. You have to walk through those thing, and past those thing, to get to the zoo entrance. Your *kids* have to walk through and past those things on the way to the actual zoo entrance. It's okay though, soon you will be safely within the confines of the fantastic zoo ad botanical garden....

Except, as soon as you enter...

The first thing you see, and your kids see, is the giant splash pad. Why? Why is this even here?? Of course, you are now a monster. An unfair jerk. A bully and a villain, because you told you kids no. No. That is not what we're here for. There is a huge splash pad just down the street from home. Right next to the ocean. For free. We didn't spend 70 dollars to do stuff we can do for free. Let's go see the animals. 

Well. It was lackluster at best. They did have a few big cats. No, not lions or tigers. Nope. But they were cool. They have two rhinos. Two. That made my day. Some giraffes, snakes, river otters. More camels than anything really. That would not have bothered'extras me s much if that had not spent so much focusing on the extras. f course, the kids could only focus on those things, and they were unhappy. So he was mean, and unhappy. But things got a little better on the way out. Shaved ice makes everyone happy.

For a while.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Walmart? Well, I do. It is a deep loathing. It is always far less pleasant with the kids, because he never wants to buy them anything, but they want him to. He literally lost his shit in there. I asked a question about the pizza he planned to buy for dinner. He lost his shit. I told him off this time, for all the good it did. I still left in tears and cried all the way home. I hate having days like this...

The Gravity of The Situation

Things have not been going well. So much has happened since my last post. Some of it has been good. Most of it has been heart wrenching and ugly. The ugly realization that my life is about a stable and within my control as a sandcastle on the shores at high tide has been a tough pill to swallow, but I am learning to try to make the best of it. Most days, it feels like I'm trying tread water while wearing a weighted suit. It is exhausting, and very painful.

It was in the middle of December that my "husband" started texting someone that has been detrimental to our relationship from the very beginning. He has left me many times for her. It made my stomach hurt to learn this, but I have kept it to myself. I still keep it to myself, even though the last text conversation was very hurtful toward me. Yes, it is still happening. No, I really don't care enough anymore to even bother to say anything.

Exactly one month after my last post, my mother died. This has created a severe internal emotional crisis. I genuinely don't know how to deal with it either. There is so much history there, and most of it is ugly and painful. I don't want to be sad and heartbroken. I don't want to feel as though a weight has been lifted. I don't want to feel as though I have been abandoned again. But I feel all of those things. I'm angry. I'm heartbroken. I'm devastated. I love her and hate her.

I was not able to make it to be by her side before she died, but I was able to see her body. That was very important to me. It gave me the only closure I will ever gain from the situation. I know it sounds cold, but I just don't know how to feel about it. A support group I'm in led to me learning that this is called "complicated grief", and it is perfectly normal. It is just another aspect of myself to hate.

Girl one is doing very well on her meds at school. She does, however, refuse to take them on the weekend. Oh well. It is more important that she be stable there, since I cannot be there all day to provide the support she needs without them. I still have to deal with the nasty comments about her difficulties from him. That makes it so much more difficult. She still has a hard time with the constipation and encopresis, which is another form of hell all together.

Girl two is trying very ard t adjust, but I think she is still harboring a lot of resentment over the crap her father pulled to separate us. She fights a lot more with her brother and sister. She even makes up lies to get her sister into trouble. I did not want to believe it, but I heard her telling her little brother. It made me feel even worse. The little guy is growing like a weed. He is smart as hell, and his terrible two's are less than fun.

Things I have had to learn to accept as fact:
I have let him walk all over me for far too long. I used to love him so very much. Now, although I still love him, it is nothing like it was. I do not trust him. I have very god reasons not to. He is constantly reminding me f how unimportant I really am. I will certainly be writing more on that soon.
I am 33 years old, and I don't have a mother anymore. I can't call her. I will never hear her voice again. All the things left unsaid, all the questions unanswered will always be so.
I am trapped in a relationship where I am the only one actually emotionally invested. He does not love me at all.

More to come.

Breathing new life into old things

You know, life is not easy. Not for adults, not for children, and especially not for parents. You know that feeling when you know that you are doing everything you can but everything is still falling apart on the regular? Yep.

I'm terrible at blog maintenance. Just as bad at keeping a journal, even when it is important. Why? Depression maybe. Who knows. Here is what has happened over the last year:

I became homeless. Became estranged from many family members because I was unwilling to give them all I had. Gained friends, moved three times to three states. No longer homeless, but hopelessly broke. But yay, there's a beach a couple blocks away. A real beach. Whatever.

My older daughter had to be hospitalized for being a danger to others. She is now on medication. My younger daughter is her normal ray of sunshine self. My little guy is growing like crazy, potty trained, and very much a two year old.

Between worries about bills, feeding my family, and my mental health, I'm falling apart. I can't even buy gifts for the upcoming holiday, much less my big girl's 9th birthday. But we have a roof over our heads. No friends or nearby family, but no motels, couches, or shelters. You win some...

Emptiness

I never thought I would ever take you back. When I did, I never expected you to so thoroughly destroy any confidence I had left. You took all that was left of me when You walked out the door. All that is left is a bitter emptiness. My heart left with you. I do hope that you take good care of it. I think it will do you good. You need it more than I do anyway, since you lack one of your own. I find one thing more comprising than anything else you have done. Why the hell did you drive 1900 Miles to pick us up, not once, but twice? Why would you do that twice, just to leave us again? You can sit there and try to blame Lexie and her behavior issues, or you can try to blame my mood swings, but we both know that the truth lies inside you, and you alone. I will always love you. I am not even angry with you. I don't really know how to feel. But I am done. I will never give you the chance to hurt us again again. I do hope you have a fantastic and happy life.

Drowning

The oceans are vast. No land in sight. Still I swim. 

The day has gone. Has turned to night. Still I swim.

My arms ache. My legs are sore. Can't give in.

It is getting hard to breathe, but still I swim.

There once were places, vast places, where it was dry.

I lost them all, in all the tears I've cried. 

The salty water fills my nose and mouth.

It takes my breath. It steals my screams.

No matter how hard I try, you are not going to return.

In my eyes, I feel the water burn.

I am drowning. 

Drowning in my love for you.

Drowning in my tears.

Drowning in your disinterest.

Drowning from my fears.

This goes on and on and on.

Why does drowning take so very long?

The tears will continue to fall.

Out here there is nothing. Nothing at all.

The world has become so empty...

Will someone come? Will someone rescue me?

Alone Again

So I may not be the world's best mother, but I know I am a damned good partner. I cook. I clean. I am enthusiastic about "other" things. I am fun. I am forever giving all I am and all I have to whomever I am with. The problem is that either they don't want it, it isn't good enough, or I am simply unlovable. I am going for all of the above. It has to be a combination of the three. I know the food I cook is yummy. I only stop cleaning when I feel it is unappreciated. I always lend a nonjudgmental ear when there has been a bad day. I always take their side. I still want to take his side. All logic says he is a jerk and does not deserve anything less than to get run over by a train. My brain and emotions say that does not matter. I love him. I am an idiot and I love him. I thought I was prepared for this day, but somehow it hurts more than it did last time.

In other news, I no longer have a babysitter or a job. Pretty soon I will not even have a home for me and my kids. I am desperately seeking a roommate, but so far there has been nothing promising. I feel like I am suffocating. I should be used to this by now, but somehow I'm not. I am falling apart. At least he was nice enough to leave the TV...I can watch all the shows we watched together on the television so that the effect is complete and I want to fucking kill myself, or smash the Tele, or both. I know he probably thought he was doing me a kindness, but never begging me back would have been the kindness. Now I have to live with the fact that I am a sucker. I am unlovable. I have caused my kids even more hurt. I have to deal with the fact that my heart belongs to someone that does not want it, and even if I am able to move on, I will never feel that for anyone again. 

On top of everything else, my sisters both have been arrested in the last week. The younger one is fine and it was a mental slip. The older one isn't so lucky. She got caught in possession of something that is highly illegal in the one place that will nail her to the wall for it. I am hoping she learns her lesson from it all, but am not going to hold my breath. I love her, but I am so over all of the drama she brings into every life she enters. I hope she likes Oklahoma...she is going to be there for a long time.

Wearing Thin

I had this whole big plan for today. I was going to call early intervention to get the little guy evaluated, call the numbers I got from the hotline for mental health services, get on top of that medicaid application, clean the house. None of that happened. Not. one. thing. I did, however, manage to take a shower, shave my legs, and put on make up. By the time I was done, I was so exhausted that I wanted to nap. I still do. I am so depressed that taking a shower is like a 100 mile hike.

I have not managed to cook more than two meals all week. We have settled for pizza and cereal. I have manage to clean the living room every night and wash the dishes every other day. I guess that counts for something. I guess I would have more desire to keep this place clean if the kids didn't so delight in tearing it apart as soon as I have finished, or refuse to clean up at all. 

I need to make those calls tomorrow. I need to get both of these girls evaluated as soon as possible. Their behavior is destructive to a point that it is dangerous, and nothing makes a difference. My younger girl also needs a medical evaluation to see why she is not growing at all....and I am so depressed and stressed that I get a twinge of deep fear every time my SO texts me...I am so scared that he is going to leave me. I need a job so bad, our expenses are getting to be too much. yeah...today has sucked.

New Day - New Challenge

Knowing that I am far from perfect as a mother means accepting that I have room to grow. I know that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, but my goal is to eventually be the mother that my children are proud to have. This is an exceptional challenge when my 8 year old regularly tells me she hates me, and says that I am mean to her simply because I set rules that I expect her to follow. I do not think I am a particularly mean mom. I think I am a pretty nice mom, there are just some things that I am unwilling to budge on.

Over the last few weeks, she has left our neighborhood twice without adult escort. this scares me for two reasons. One, the cops here seem to think that all children under the age of 15 SHOULD have a helicopter parent. Two, there have been multiple attempted kidnappings in the area. She does have the habit of just walking off, and getting lost. She does not see this as the problem it is though. She does not understand, no matter how many times I explain...ugh.

My sweet little girl also has issues understanding other people her age. She tries so hard, but she gets frustrated easily. When she gets frustrated, she can be less than nice. This is starting to cost her friends. that is a problem, because she does not seem to understand that they just really have a hard time dealing with her temper fluctuations. She has the desire to be out playing with them all day, and never wants to come in. Some parents see this as a great thing. I don't.

this may give her plenty of exercise and socialization, but these are not all the best kids to be around for such extended time periods. As easily as she loses her patience, it sometimes leads to violent acts, and she does not want to come in an calm down. this leads to her screaming at me, and me trying to not do the same in return. She goes out with one friend, but never stays with them so when I go to check on her, I have to search. Her sister cannot just wander around with her at her age, so she is here lonely and sad.

I think it is about time I print out a list of rules, responsibilities, and limit outside in the neighborhood play to no more than three, supervised closely by me, hours per day. I am hoping that at least once a week we will be able to take them to the park so they can have a more enjoyable time. There is just not much for them to do here, so when they get bored they fight or get destructive. I am not just talking about my littles either. I may not be the best, but none of these other parents will be winning any awards either. They sure seem to like to judge you though...

The Parenting Game

Everything is different when you actually have kids. You can be around kids your entire life, and you will think you know everything there is to know about them. It is only when you are responsible for that tiny little being that you really get it. When their very existence, and whether or not they become amazing adults, depends on you, and the choices you make for them and their life. Every little thing can have a very big impact. It is only after you become a parent that you realize how incredibly hard parenting is.

Before your child is born, you already think you know it all. You hear the horror stories. You hear all of the success stories. You hear some people say research is key, and you hear others say that all of the research is bunk. Half of your family members say one thing, the other half another. Then you get pregnant and get even more advice, but from strangers. You better vaccinate. You'd better avoid vaccines. Better yet, avoid doctors in general. Formula is poison, if you feed that to your child, you don't love them. Breastfeeding is gross and sexual...

Then your baby is born. Hopefully by now you have had the chance to do research on your own and decided, on your own whether or not to vaccinate. If the baby is a boy, I hope you were able to make the choice that you thought was best in that area as well. Here is where things get more complicated. People are constantly judging you now. Everywhere you go, people are giving you unsolicited advice. Your baby is always wearing too many clothes, or not enough. You should not have your baby in that type of carrier, ever. You should wrap your baby. You should put your baby in a stroller. Your baby's chest clip is in the wrong place. Did you seriously think that your baby was your business? You were wrong.

Feeding your baby is always done incorrectly. It does not matter how and what you feed your child, you are doing it wrong, I promise. Can you nor breastfeed? You are just lazy. Are you breastfeeding? You are gross, cover up or pump and give that baby a bottle. Are you seriously thinking about starting your baby on solids at six months? You are going to make your baby fat! Why have you not started solids yet? Do you really want to starve your baby?! I sure hope that you are not buying brand name baby food! That stuff is full of gmos and will kill your baby. You should be grinding your baby's food yourself. 

Are you thinking about going back to work after baby? You are a horrible, uncaring mother. Do you plan on staying home with baby? You are a lazy leach living off welfare. Are you still with baby's father? You are going to let that baby ruin your relationship. Are you a single mom? No matter the reason, you are a whore. Do you drink now? Ever? You are a terrible parent and do not deserve kids. Do you have date nights without baby? Horrible! You should always be at little one's side! Did you seriously bring your baby out to dinner? Goodness, hire a babysitter so I don't have to be subjected to your child.

This is only the beginning, mind you. Being a parent is hard. Letting everyone get to you makes it harder. Either you will go crazy tying to please everyone else and make your child miserable in the process, or you will become that sanctimonious witch that everyone cannot stand. Things actually get easier, I promise. But then they get harder. Then they get impossible. But I will get into that later...

Oh really now?

So it is "Easter"Sunday, and my kids tend to make a bit of a big deal about it. This is especially true of my older daughter. She is always big on ow important it is to spend time with family. Well, today she decided to slightly deviate from this to go to her friend's house and show her the Easter goodies she found this morning. This was decided on last night. My son's father though, is going to lunch with his friends, and will be away a significantly longer period of time. This upset my daughter, very much, because she actually thought that we, especially his son, might matter more to him than that.

I got a shitty text message just after he left about how horrible my daughter is for insisting that if he was going to go out to lunch on a holiday, it should be with the family. When I mentioned the fact that she was most upset because he was not here with his son, he said "well, I have spent more time with him today than she has". Um, she is his sister, you are his father. She spends more time with him on a daily basis than you do in a week. It does not matter that she spends less time with him today than you do, she is not his parent and his entire self worth will not take a hit like it may if your habits do not improve.

That being said, it is a shocker that he willingly spend about 45 minutes playing with the baby without being told to. Oh, wait, he had been told to so that I could put my contacts in undisturbed. I then found a few other things to waste time on just so he would pay attention to the child that is also his. When I went into the living room, he was not really spending time with him, not so much as he was reorganizing the couch cushions. That's some quality time right there. He also makes sure to shove in my face how generous he is and how ungrateful we are.  

I think it is sad that we have become a society that does things merely for recognition of our generosity, however small. When I do things for my children, I do those things because I love them and love seeing them happy. I do not do them so I can tell them any time they misbehave or say something I do not like, that I am so generous so they should be grateful for every bit of attention and never be unhappy with anything I do. Oh, and getting kids Easter baskets that they don't know are from you and then being outraged that someone has an opinion on your behavior after your artificial generosity is pretty stupid.

I do know, and it is more clear now than ever, that he does not really care for my kids. He merely tolerates them. All of them, even the one that he helped create. I don't know what world he lives in, but if the intent is to keep me around, he has to do more than obviously tolerate them. In fact, to put on a good show of actually caring, that might have done the trick. I am really done with this relationship. Funny thing, my girls' dad made it painfully clear that even though Liam is not his son, he would be treated no differently. Why, because he is mine. If the little guy's father cannot show him the same courtesy, he does not need to be around. When the father acts like a cold step parent and the vice versa, maybe the latter is the best option. 

I had decided even before I came back here though, that this was a temporary return. I feel nothing for this person anymore. What I had felt was lost soon after I learned I was pregnant and he became cold and distant. I would stay for love of his parents, but not at the cost of the children's happiness. I am miserable, my kids are miserable. The sooner we are out of here, the better off we will be...

Fuck. Fuck that. Fuck off.

So this morning I was informed, not so politely, that I am not allowed to let my children sleep in the bed I sleep in if they have a nightmare. Yes, I share the bed with my son's father, but these are MY children. My daughters, not his. I am supposed to talk to them and MAYBE give them a hug and send them on their way. He even said he will take them in and toss them (yes toss) back on their beds if they climb in "his" bed.

What caused this? My seven year old had a nightmare. She was crying and needed comfort. I pulled her in ed and cuddled her back to sleep. Well, he can have HIS bed. I think I will, from now on, "accidentally fall asleep with them when I read their bedtime stories. I don't like sleeping with him anyway. There is always an attempt to force or guilt me into unwanted intimacy, and I am tired of it. What is worse, he is doing all of this while I am going through another pretty deep depression.

It is bad enough when he is jealous of my girls, and I have to basically beg him to spend time with our son, but this is ridiculous. It has gotten to the point that I will get up with the baby at 7 or so and the four year old will be asleep downstairs on the couch because she had a nightmare but she did not want to come in and wake me because she is afraid of him. 

I remember being seven. I had a total of three nightmares. That's all. Just the three. I just had those same three nearly every night. If my dad had just told me to either sleep on the floor or go back to bed, I think I would have been scarred for life. I am supposed to tell them to get over it. Really? What happened to parents trying to comfort a child when they are going through unnecessary fear?

That's okay. I guess I coddle them too much. Tomorrow, I am going to take the seven year old out and make her get a job, because feeding them is too expensive too, as per his complaints.

My Computer Seems to Hate Me

Everything feels like it is trying to build up to an unpleasant climax. It is like there is some joke that every in my life is in on, but me. It isn't just the people in my life either, it is the things. It seems that I can not have all of the things I own working in harmony. Many times, when I need them most, they refuse to work properly, or at all.

Today, as my beautiful seven year old child was trying to do her schoolwork, my computer decided to start acting funny. The mouse would not respond, the buttons on the built in keyboard were pressing themselves, it was as if it were possessed. The computer said the keyboard was working properly. If pressing its own buttons is proper, maybe it should write my blog for me too?

I restarted my computer several times and got the same result do I decided to just uninstall the darned thing since we have been working using a USB keyboard anyway. All hell broke loose. Restarting my system left it screaming at me, time and again. I ran the start up diagnostic, and it said that although it would not start up, it was in perfect operating condition.

Well, it seems to be working fine now. It, against my wishes, reinstalled the built in keyboard, but it is no longer trying to type on its own (thank goodness, since it couldn't spell worth a damn), and the mouse is functioning properly. This all happened just in time for her to not have time for her school work, since we have to be out the door in about an hour for my appointment. I am assuming the doctor did not just decide to leave an hour into the day since I did not get a call. I also did not get a call yesterday, when the doctor bailed. 

I guess I just have to keep my fingers crossed and hope that I will actually be able to see by the end of the day.

I was accused of poor shaming today...

Anyone that knows me knows that I have had to go without growing up. sometimes that meant food, sometimes it meant a lot more than food. My dad worked hard just to keep a roof over our heads, and even with assistance, there were large gaps in the month where we had next to nothing. Even today, I am poor. I go without, more often than not, just so the kids do not have to. 

Slate.com posted an article about how IQ and SAT scores actually can help predict how well a person might do in college. Many of the commenters said something to the effect of wealth being the only way a person can have a high IQ or SAT scares, which I found to be insulting to me and every single poor person in this country. 

I stated that I do not believe that IQ comes from wealth. If that were the case, we would have no one that lives in poverty that has a measured IQ over 85. I aso do not believe that SAT scores are entire related to wealth either. I believe that if at least one parent is able to take time to read to the child, and be involved completely in their education, there would be fewer low test scores among the poverty stricken.

I got called a poor shamer and told that I must have never gone hungry. If I had, I would not say such things. How arrogant of me to shame those poor people. I sure showed them by telling them that money isn't what makes a person intelligent. Wait, what?

I refuse to believe that money is what makes people intelligent. I believe it is insulting to all of the poor people that are scrimping and saving every penny they have for their children to have opportunity. I believe it is insulting to every person that pulled themselves out of poverty by fighting with all they have to get those scholarships. I am angry that people refuse to believe that poor people are intelligent, and you should be too.

Statistics show that nearly half of our country lives in extreme poverty. Most of the extremely poor are children. Many of them hear things like this, and they give up. They do not realize that they could change this country, and the world. They do not think that they can be intelligent, simply because some article says so. But it is not true.

This breaks my heart and infuriates me more than I can truly express in type. Nearly everyone in this country (as well as the rest of the world) has the ability to get those higher scores. The difference between the rich and the poor is time. Rich people may not take time, but they pay someone else to. They pay a nanny or daycare to read to them, to work with them on numbers, shapes, colors, and later, tutors for homework. The poor do not have that luxury, and do not have a lot of time.

There is a little known secret about time. Time works for you, not against you. Every minute can be something. My dad...he hardly had time to get enough sleep before getting up for work. He almost never had a day off. He worked the most insane amount of hours I have ever seen, and I thought it would kill him. He also read to us every night. He also helped us with our homework. He also made time to explain things we did not understand.

If we, as the poor, were all able to find a way to manage our time so that our kids did have all of that, we would change the dynamic of this country. No, it has nothing to do with being lazy. It has to do with ability, I know that better than anyone. I am not poor shaming, but putting out an idea that I know would make a difference. I have read the studies and I have the experience that correlates. I know it is hard when you only have 5 hours to sleep between shifts. I know it is hard when you are stressed about the next meal. I know it is hard to focus when all you can think about is keeping enough gas in your car to keep your job. If you cannot make that time, you can't. You are doing your best as a parent, and sometimes our best is work/sleep/work. Sometimes though, we have time we didn't even know we had...

Always Learning

We, as humans, have the opportunity to learn something new every day. This is what I have learned in recent days:

1. Love isn't something you can just shut off, even if the person hurt you tremendously. When you love someone, you love them. Conversely, you cannot make yourself love someone you don't,  no matter how much you care for them otherwise. You also cannot make someone love you. It is oure luck to fall in love with someone and itbe mutual.

2. I love my kids more than I love anything.

3. Even though my kids can be a handful, being without any of them for any amount of time is unbearable.

4. As much as I love my kids and want to spend every possible moment with them, I dont really like other people's kids very much.

5. Most people really are not very intelligent. The least intelligent are usually the ones spouting off about how smart they are.