Emptiness

I never thought I would ever take you back. When I did, I never expected you to so thoroughly destroy any confidence I had left. You took all that was left of me when You walked out the door. All that is left is a bitter emptiness. My heart left with you. I do hope that you take good care of it. I think it will do you good. You need it more than I do anyway, since you lack one of your own. I find one thing more comprising than anything else you have done. Why the hell did you drive 1900 Miles to pick us up, not once, but twice? Why would you do that twice, just to leave us again? You can sit there and try to blame Lexie and her behavior issues, or you can try to blame my mood swings, but we both know that the truth lies inside you, and you alone. I will always love you. I am not even angry with you. I don't really know how to feel. But I am done. I will never give you the chance to hurt us again again. I do hope you have a fantastic and happy life.

Drowning

The oceans are vast. No land in sight. Still I swim. 

The day has gone. Has turned to night. Still I swim.

My arms ache. My legs are sore. Can't give in.

It is getting hard to breathe, but still I swim.

There once were places, vast places, where it was dry.

I lost them all, in all the tears I've cried. 

The salty water fills my nose and mouth.

It takes my breath. It steals my screams.

No matter how hard I try, you are not going to return.

In my eyes, I feel the water burn.

I am drowning. 

Drowning in my love for you.

Drowning in my tears.

Drowning in your disinterest.

Drowning from my fears.

This goes on and on and on.

Why does drowning take so very long?

The tears will continue to fall.

Out here there is nothing. Nothing at all.

The world has become so empty...

Will someone come? Will someone rescue me?

Alone Again

So I may not be the world's best mother, but I know I am a damned good partner. I cook. I clean. I am enthusiastic about "other" things. I am fun. I am forever giving all I am and all I have to whomever I am with. The problem is that either they don't want it, it isn't good enough, or I am simply unlovable. I am going for all of the above. It has to be a combination of the three. I know the food I cook is yummy. I only stop cleaning when I feel it is unappreciated. I always lend a nonjudgmental ear when there has been a bad day. I always take their side. I still want to take his side. All logic says he is a jerk and does not deserve anything less than to get run over by a train. My brain and emotions say that does not matter. I love him. I am an idiot and I love him. I thought I was prepared for this day, but somehow it hurts more than it did last time.

In other news, I no longer have a babysitter or a job. Pretty soon I will not even have a home for me and my kids. I am desperately seeking a roommate, but so far there has been nothing promising. I feel like I am suffocating. I should be used to this by now, but somehow I'm not. I am falling apart. At least he was nice enough to leave the TV...I can watch all the shows we watched together on the television so that the effect is complete and I want to fucking kill myself, or smash the Tele, or both. I know he probably thought he was doing me a kindness, but never begging me back would have been the kindness. Now I have to live with the fact that I am a sucker. I am unlovable. I have caused my kids even more hurt. I have to deal with the fact that my heart belongs to someone that does not want it, and even if I am able to move on, I will never feel that for anyone again. 

On top of everything else, my sisters both have been arrested in the last week. The younger one is fine and it was a mental slip. The older one isn't so lucky. She got caught in possession of something that is highly illegal in the one place that will nail her to the wall for it. I am hoping she learns her lesson from it all, but am not going to hold my breath. I love her, but I am so over all of the drama she brings into every life she enters. I hope she likes Oklahoma...she is going to be there for a long time.

Wearing Thin

I had this whole big plan for today. I was going to call early intervention to get the little guy evaluated, call the numbers I got from the hotline for mental health services, get on top of that medicaid application, clean the house. None of that happened. Not. one. thing. I did, however, manage to take a shower, shave my legs, and put on make up. By the time I was done, I was so exhausted that I wanted to nap. I still do. I am so depressed that taking a shower is like a 100 mile hike.

I have not managed to cook more than two meals all week. We have settled for pizza and cereal. I have manage to clean the living room every night and wash the dishes every other day. I guess that counts for something. I guess I would have more desire to keep this place clean if the kids didn't so delight in tearing it apart as soon as I have finished, or refuse to clean up at all. 

I need to make those calls tomorrow. I need to get both of these girls evaluated as soon as possible. Their behavior is destructive to a point that it is dangerous, and nothing makes a difference. My younger girl also needs a medical evaluation to see why she is not growing at all....and I am so depressed and stressed that I get a twinge of deep fear every time my SO texts me...I am so scared that he is going to leave me. I need a job so bad, our expenses are getting to be too much. yeah...today has sucked.

New Day - New Challenge

Knowing that I am far from perfect as a mother means accepting that I have room to grow. I know that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, but my goal is to eventually be the mother that my children are proud to have. This is an exceptional challenge when my 8 year old regularly tells me she hates me, and says that I am mean to her simply because I set rules that I expect her to follow. I do not think I am a particularly mean mom. I think I am a pretty nice mom, there are just some things that I am unwilling to budge on.

Over the last few weeks, she has left our neighborhood twice without adult escort. this scares me for two reasons. One, the cops here seem to think that all children under the age of 15 SHOULD have a helicopter parent. Two, there have been multiple attempted kidnappings in the area. She does have the habit of just walking off, and getting lost. She does not see this as the problem it is though. She does not understand, no matter how many times I explain...ugh.

My sweet little girl also has issues understanding other people her age. She tries so hard, but she gets frustrated easily. When she gets frustrated, she can be less than nice. This is starting to cost her friends. that is a problem, because she does not seem to understand that they just really have a hard time dealing with her temper fluctuations. She has the desire to be out playing with them all day, and never wants to come in. Some parents see this as a great thing. I don't.

this may give her plenty of exercise and socialization, but these are not all the best kids to be around for such extended time periods. As easily as she loses her patience, it sometimes leads to violent acts, and she does not want to come in an calm down. this leads to her screaming at me, and me trying to not do the same in return. She goes out with one friend, but never stays with them so when I go to check on her, I have to search. Her sister cannot just wander around with her at her age, so she is here lonely and sad.

I think it is about time I print out a list of rules, responsibilities, and limit outside in the neighborhood play to no more than three, supervised closely by me, hours per day. I am hoping that at least once a week we will be able to take them to the park so they can have a more enjoyable time. There is just not much for them to do here, so when they get bored they fight or get destructive. I am not just talking about my littles either. I may not be the best, but none of these other parents will be winning any awards either. They sure seem to like to judge you though...

The Parenting Game

Everything is different when you actually have kids. You can be around kids your entire life, and you will think you know everything there is to know about them. It is only when you are responsible for that tiny little being that you really get it. When their very existence, and whether or not they become amazing adults, depends on you, and the choices you make for them and their life. Every little thing can have a very big impact. It is only after you become a parent that you realize how incredibly hard parenting is.

Before your child is born, you already think you know it all. You hear the horror stories. You hear all of the success stories. You hear some people say research is key, and you hear others say that all of the research is bunk. Half of your family members say one thing, the other half another. Then you get pregnant and get even more advice, but from strangers. You better vaccinate. You'd better avoid vaccines. Better yet, avoid doctors in general. Formula is poison, if you feed that to your child, you don't love them. Breastfeeding is gross and sexual...

Then your baby is born. Hopefully by now you have had the chance to do research on your own and decided, on your own whether or not to vaccinate. If the baby is a boy, I hope you were able to make the choice that you thought was best in that area as well. Here is where things get more complicated. People are constantly judging you now. Everywhere you go, people are giving you unsolicited advice. Your baby is always wearing too many clothes, or not enough. You should not have your baby in that type of carrier, ever. You should wrap your baby. You should put your baby in a stroller. Your baby's chest clip is in the wrong place. Did you seriously think that your baby was your business? You were wrong.

Feeding your baby is always done incorrectly. It does not matter how and what you feed your child, you are doing it wrong, I promise. Can you nor breastfeed? You are just lazy. Are you breastfeeding? You are gross, cover up or pump and give that baby a bottle. Are you seriously thinking about starting your baby on solids at six months? You are going to make your baby fat! Why have you not started solids yet? Do you really want to starve your baby?! I sure hope that you are not buying brand name baby food! That stuff is full of gmos and will kill your baby. You should be grinding your baby's food yourself. 

Are you thinking about going back to work after baby? You are a horrible, uncaring mother. Do you plan on staying home with baby? You are a lazy leach living off welfare. Are you still with baby's father? You are going to let that baby ruin your relationship. Are you a single mom? No matter the reason, you are a whore. Do you drink now? Ever? You are a terrible parent and do not deserve kids. Do you have date nights without baby? Horrible! You should always be at little one's side! Did you seriously bring your baby out to dinner? Goodness, hire a babysitter so I don't have to be subjected to your child.

This is only the beginning, mind you. Being a parent is hard. Letting everyone get to you makes it harder. Either you will go crazy tying to please everyone else and make your child miserable in the process, or you will become that sanctimonious witch that everyone cannot stand. Things actually get easier, I promise. But then they get harder. Then they get impossible. But I will get into that later...

Oh really now?

So it is "Easter"Sunday, and my kids tend to make a bit of a big deal about it. This is especially true of my older daughter. She is always big on ow important it is to spend time with family. Well, today she decided to slightly deviate from this to go to her friend's house and show her the Easter goodies she found this morning. This was decided on last night. My son's father though, is going to lunch with his friends, and will be away a significantly longer period of time. This upset my daughter, very much, because she actually thought that we, especially his son, might matter more to him than that.

I got a shitty text message just after he left about how horrible my daughter is for insisting that if he was going to go out to lunch on a holiday, it should be with the family. When I mentioned the fact that she was most upset because he was not here with his son, he said "well, I have spent more time with him today than she has". Um, she is his sister, you are his father. She spends more time with him on a daily basis than you do in a week. It does not matter that she spends less time with him today than you do, she is not his parent and his entire self worth will not take a hit like it may if your habits do not improve.

That being said, it is a shocker that he willingly spend about 45 minutes playing with the baby without being told to. Oh, wait, he had been told to so that I could put my contacts in undisturbed. I then found a few other things to waste time on just so he would pay attention to the child that is also his. When I went into the living room, he was not really spending time with him, not so much as he was reorganizing the couch cushions. That's some quality time right there. He also makes sure to shove in my face how generous he is and how ungrateful we are.  

I think it is sad that we have become a society that does things merely for recognition of our generosity, however small. When I do things for my children, I do those things because I love them and love seeing them happy. I do not do them so I can tell them any time they misbehave or say something I do not like, that I am so generous so they should be grateful for every bit of attention and never be unhappy with anything I do. Oh, and getting kids Easter baskets that they don't know are from you and then being outraged that someone has an opinion on your behavior after your artificial generosity is pretty stupid.

I do know, and it is more clear now than ever, that he does not really care for my kids. He merely tolerates them. All of them, even the one that he helped create. I don't know what world he lives in, but if the intent is to keep me around, he has to do more than obviously tolerate them. In fact, to put on a good show of actually caring, that might have done the trick. I am really done with this relationship. Funny thing, my girls' dad made it painfully clear that even though Liam is not his son, he would be treated no differently. Why, because he is mine. If the little guy's father cannot show him the same courtesy, he does not need to be around. When the father acts like a cold step parent and the vice versa, maybe the latter is the best option. 

I had decided even before I came back here though, that this was a temporary return. I feel nothing for this person anymore. What I had felt was lost soon after I learned I was pregnant and he became cold and distant. I would stay for love of his parents, but not at the cost of the children's happiness. I am miserable, my kids are miserable. The sooner we are out of here, the better off we will be...

Fuck. Fuck that. Fuck off.

So this morning I was informed, not so politely, that I am not allowed to let my children sleep in the bed I sleep in if they have a nightmare. Yes, I share the bed with my son's father, but these are MY children. My daughters, not his. I am supposed to talk to them and MAYBE give them a hug and send them on their way. He even said he will take them in and toss them (yes toss) back on their beds if they climb in "his" bed.

What caused this? My seven year old had a nightmare. She was crying and needed comfort. I pulled her in ed and cuddled her back to sleep. Well, he can have HIS bed. I think I will, from now on, "accidentally fall asleep with them when I read their bedtime stories. I don't like sleeping with him anyway. There is always an attempt to force or guilt me into unwanted intimacy, and I am tired of it. What is worse, he is doing all of this while I am going through another pretty deep depression.

It is bad enough when he is jealous of my girls, and I have to basically beg him to spend time with our son, but this is ridiculous. It has gotten to the point that I will get up with the baby at 7 or so and the four year old will be asleep downstairs on the couch because she had a nightmare but she did not want to come in and wake me because she is afraid of him. 

I remember being seven. I had a total of three nightmares. That's all. Just the three. I just had those same three nearly every night. If my dad had just told me to either sleep on the floor or go back to bed, I think I would have been scarred for life. I am supposed to tell them to get over it. Really? What happened to parents trying to comfort a child when they are going through unnecessary fear?

That's okay. I guess I coddle them too much. Tomorrow, I am going to take the seven year old out and make her get a job, because feeding them is too expensive too, as per his complaints.

My Computer Seems to Hate Me

Everything feels like it is trying to build up to an unpleasant climax. It is like there is some joke that every in my life is in on, but me. It isn't just the people in my life either, it is the things. It seems that I can not have all of the things I own working in harmony. Many times, when I need them most, they refuse to work properly, or at all.

Today, as my beautiful seven year old child was trying to do her schoolwork, my computer decided to start acting funny. The mouse would not respond, the buttons on the built in keyboard were pressing themselves, it was as if it were possessed. The computer said the keyboard was working properly. If pressing its own buttons is proper, maybe it should write my blog for me too?

I restarted my computer several times and got the same result do I decided to just uninstall the darned thing since we have been working using a USB keyboard anyway. All hell broke loose. Restarting my system left it screaming at me, time and again. I ran the start up diagnostic, and it said that although it would not start up, it was in perfect operating condition.

Well, it seems to be working fine now. It, against my wishes, reinstalled the built in keyboard, but it is no longer trying to type on its own (thank goodness, since it couldn't spell worth a damn), and the mouse is functioning properly. This all happened just in time for her to not have time for her school work, since we have to be out the door in about an hour for my appointment. I am assuming the doctor did not just decide to leave an hour into the day since I did not get a call. I also did not get a call yesterday, when the doctor bailed. 

I guess I just have to keep my fingers crossed and hope that I will actually be able to see by the end of the day.

I was accused of poor shaming today...

Anyone that knows me knows that I have had to go without growing up. sometimes that meant food, sometimes it meant a lot more than food. My dad worked hard just to keep a roof over our heads, and even with assistance, there were large gaps in the month where we had next to nothing. Even today, I am poor. I go without, more often than not, just so the kids do not have to. 

Slate.com posted an article about how IQ and SAT scores actually can help predict how well a person might do in college. Many of the commenters said something to the effect of wealth being the only way a person can have a high IQ or SAT scares, which I found to be insulting to me and every single poor person in this country. 

I stated that I do not believe that IQ comes from wealth. If that were the case, we would have no one that lives in poverty that has a measured IQ over 85. I aso do not believe that SAT scores are entire related to wealth either. I believe that if at least one parent is able to take time to read to the child, and be involved completely in their education, there would be fewer low test scores among the poverty stricken.

I got called a poor shamer and told that I must have never gone hungry. If I had, I would not say such things. How arrogant of me to shame those poor people. I sure showed them by telling them that money isn't what makes a person intelligent. Wait, what?

I refuse to believe that money is what makes people intelligent. I believe it is insulting to all of the poor people that are scrimping and saving every penny they have for their children to have opportunity. I believe it is insulting to every person that pulled themselves out of poverty by fighting with all they have to get those scholarships. I am angry that people refuse to believe that poor people are intelligent, and you should be too.

Statistics show that nearly half of our country lives in extreme poverty. Most of the extremely poor are children. Many of them hear things like this, and they give up. They do not realize that they could change this country, and the world. They do not think that they can be intelligent, simply because some article says so. But it is not true.

This breaks my heart and infuriates me more than I can truly express in type. Nearly everyone in this country (as well as the rest of the world) has the ability to get those higher scores. The difference between the rich and the poor is time. Rich people may not take time, but they pay someone else to. They pay a nanny or daycare to read to them, to work with them on numbers, shapes, colors, and later, tutors for homework. The poor do not have that luxury, and do not have a lot of time.

There is a little known secret about time. Time works for you, not against you. Every minute can be something. My dad...he hardly had time to get enough sleep before getting up for work. He almost never had a day off. He worked the most insane amount of hours I have ever seen, and I thought it would kill him. He also read to us every night. He also helped us with our homework. He also made time to explain things we did not understand.

If we, as the poor, were all able to find a way to manage our time so that our kids did have all of that, we would change the dynamic of this country. No, it has nothing to do with being lazy. It has to do with ability, I know that better than anyone. I am not poor shaming, but putting out an idea that I know would make a difference. I have read the studies and I have the experience that correlates. I know it is hard when you only have 5 hours to sleep between shifts. I know it is hard when you are stressed about the next meal. I know it is hard to focus when all you can think about is keeping enough gas in your car to keep your job. If you cannot make that time, you can't. You are doing your best as a parent, and sometimes our best is work/sleep/work. Sometimes though, we have time we didn't even know we had...

Always Learning

We, as humans, have the opportunity to learn something new every day. This is what I have learned in recent days:

1. Love isn't something you can just shut off, even if the person hurt you tremendously. When you love someone, you love them. Conversely, you cannot make yourself love someone you don't,  no matter how much you care for them otherwise. You also cannot make someone love you. It is oure luck to fall in love with someone and itbe mutual.

2. I love my kids more than I love anything.

3. Even though my kids can be a handful, being without any of them for any amount of time is unbearable.

4. As much as I love my kids and want to spend every possible moment with them, I dont really like other people's kids very much.

5. Most people really are not very intelligent. The least intelligent are usually the ones spouting off about how smart they are.