Life As We Know It

I have spent several days trying to come up with a post that expresses how I feel in a way that isn't one long, nonsensical rant. So far, it hasn't worked. This is attempt number three. 

Today is November 8th. It's election day, and I should be out voting, but I can't because I moved and wasn't able to register to vote here in time. I guess the whole country is going to hell anyway. I'm terrified at the possible election outcomes but that is the least worst feeling I have right now.

Today is five days from my father's birthday. He would be 59 years old. I want to lay in bed and stay there. I want to scream and rage. I don't want to be here. I want my dad. 

Today is seven days from the six month anniversary of his death. How am I going to function? I feel like I can't breathe. The intense depression that I live with every day isn't anything compared with this. I feel like I'm dying inside. I don't want any of it anymore.

But every day, I get up. I clean, I cook, I paint a smile on my face and take care of my kids. All I want to do is cry. But wait...there's more.

There are nine days until my mother's birthday. She would be 55. On December 29th, it will have been one year since she died. We were not really close, or at least not often. She drove me out of my mind. She hurt me, abandoned me, cut me out of her life. she was also full of good advice. She was loving and giving. She was my mother.

Existing right now hurts. Please forgive me if I don't talk to you, comment on your facebook stuff, or seem to give a damn about your problems. Honestly, I probably don't. I normally would, but now isn't normal, and normal is subjective anyway. I highly doubt any of you really care, or even notice when I'm not around anyway.

I Read Somewhere Once

...or at least I think I did, that our identities are tied to our experiences and relationships. That means that the life you've lived, and the people that have held influential roles, help you to define yourself as a person. For most people, I guess that works. For m, not so much. The more I try to figure it out, the less sense I can make of it, actually.

I have no identity. I don't know who I am.

I thought I did, when my mother was alive and I could be angry with her for the shit hand she dealt us all without feeling guilty. I could call her and ask her for advice. I could laugh with her about something completely stupid.

I thought I did, when I could stand out on the porch with my dad, smoke a cigarette, and talk about nothing and everything. When I could call him and ramble on bout whatever inane bullshit was getting on my nerves at the time and hear his voice on the other end of the phone.

Now I realize that I am not who I thought I was. I don't know who I am at all.

This is very hard to admit for someone like me. Well, for me specifically. I'm not really sure there is anyone out there like me anymore, because I can't even tell you about me. With few exceptions, I know basically nothing about myself.

Here is what I do know, for sure:

I never hayed my mother. I never forgave her for the damage she caused, but I did come to terms with the fact that she really didn't mean to.

I swore it wouldn't matter very much to me when she died, because I had convinced myself I didn't really care anymore. I was wrong, wronger than wrong. And I lied to myself.

I was right when I said the losing my father would devastate me more than anything else in my life ever has. And trust me, that is an insane amount of devastation.

I absolutely have Borderline Personality Disorder. This is not the curse I was led to believe it was, and shame on the media for perpetuating it as such.

My children come before anyone. Anyone.

I don't want to be alive. I never have. Ever.

The above statement does not imply suicidality. I work hard, every minute of every day to show the kids a happy face, and a mom that loves them above all else.

I know I spend every minute of every day in pain. Some physical, so much emotional. I know I keep fighting because that's what we do in my family. We keep pushing through every wound, through every agonizing blow and stab...and we do this until we cease to exist.

What I don't know is...

Who am I?

Not doing so well...

I'm pretty terrible at keeping this updated. 

A few things have happened since my last post that are really taking a toll on my mental health. First, I found out he was cheating, and had to listen to him lie to me about it. Multiple times. Oh well, right. I'm the dumb bitch that stays (because I literally have nowhere else to go and no way to get there). 

Anyway, he's been putting on  hell of a show, treating me better, acting so caring. I should have known how fake it all was. Until A few days ago, he really had me fooled. I caught him, completely by accident. He admits it, then tells me he doesn't want it to change our relationship. The fact that he's cheating and hiring prostitutes isn't something that that he wants to change our relationship? Really?

I pretend that I'm okay, but I'm really not. I'm hiding in my bedroom, crying, because it is just another thing on top of everything else. I am broken. I am nothing. I will never be good enough...

A Bed To Sleep In

So, My son's father is going to be giving me part of his tax return. It is going to be enough to buy my kids proper beds. This makes me happier than you might imagine, since they have been sharing a darned futon since we moved in. All of his promises to get or build them a proper bed have fallen short, and I am taking it into my own hands. I will also be getting something for myself, paying off some debts, and putting the rest into savings. He will know nothing about it.

I am exhausted. Literally wiped out. This week has been very hard on me. I have managed, though, to do more in this one week than I usually manage in an entire month. My apartment is completely clean, with the exception of dishes, and has been so all week. I have managed to get them to school on time every day this week, even though the weather has been not so fun and my alarm has failed to go off twice. I have managed to cook a proper dinner every day but one. I call that hugely successful for someone like me.

All the work I've done has take its toll though. I'm in so much pain, and I want to do nothing but sleep. I have no motivation, and I hate myself for it. I told him we are out of milk, eggs, and bread, and you would think I told him his car was totaled. The sheer audacity of these kids, eating the food so he would have to go to the store. This was after, of course, I asked him to pick the girls u from school because I literally lacked the strength to get on the bicycle again. That is another thing that led to immediate regret.

I really hope I can keep this up...

I'm Here

Every now and again, I feel like something in my life happened to work out just right. Right now is one of those times. Yes, my life sucks. I am trapped in a relationship where there is no love and very little appreciation for me. But the girls are doing well in school. Girl 1's teacher told me yesterday that she things my daughter actually has a chance to move up to 4th instead of having to repeat. A few months ago, no one thought that would be possible. Girl two consistently makes student of the month...

But more than that, I have never really felt I was much use to anyone. I never thought I had much to offer. I have been here since September, and have met almost no one. But it turns out that this move was good for more than just us. You see, we got new neighbors a couple months ago. They were really friendly, introduced themselves. But my attention to detail misses nothing. He is an asshole. Not only is he an asshole, he is abusive. It has been nearly every night, and so many days that I listen to him verbally beat her up...

I kept telling myself that I needed to invite her for coffee, but every time I got up the courage, he would be home. I needed to let her know somehow that she was not alone. The way he yells, it was only a matter f time before there was an escalation. I was informed by the neighbor downstairs that the guy was arrested last night. I got a sick feeling. I just knew. And I knew what I had to do. I am so glad she was home. I asked her over for coffee and I thought she was going to cry.

As it turns out, she is really cool. We have a lot in common. She's funny. She's lonely. She has no one that will listen to her anymore. No one to be there for her through this. Well, now she does. I'm here...

"Fun" at Best Buy

Wednesday was a blast. It started off with being told that my job isn't good enough, so I don't deserve a new computer. It has a lot of potential, i that it can give me a tiny bit of financial independence. I hate feeling as though I have to ask permission for basic needs. It would be nice to be able to buy stuff I want just because too. Like...a cup of coffee that I didn't have to brew myself. Because y old laptop has issues, it barely does basic things, is gross, and cracked thanks to the kids, new laptop is required. I felt so small...

In the end, he decided it was okay, so off we went to Best Buy. After two hours of looking at TVs, even though he said we weren't going to buy one, I found a good laptop. another two hours, and he had picked out a TV and stand, and we were at the checkout with three miserable, tired, hungry children. But we didn't buy anything, because he put inn the wrong PIN and his card was locked. His bank has no after hours service.

So...Thursday. We return to Best Buy just after they open their doors, amidst a mass of spectators and screwed up parking for a racing event across the street. We gather, again, the things we meant to buy and get to checkout. Card declined. Because he had not bothered to call the bank beforehand. Somewhat embarrassing to have to go through that again, but fixed, Purchased. Done.

Except that he knows I need headphones. Cannot transcribe without them. So we agree that I will be able to get them next time we go to Walmart. Except when we go to Walmart, he thinks none of the headphones there are good enough, so he doesn't want to "waste the money" even though he had no problem wasting the money on the crappy ones we had to return to the outlet store. Then the kids want headphones, and he throws a fit because they had the nerve to ask for 10 dollar headphones that he can't afford, but he can afford to spend 60 dollars on more shirts and a new watch for himself.

The television is great. It is an Insignia Roku TV. Very nice. It is the first nice thing we have had in a very long time. I'm getting very tired of feeling less than deserving. It hurts. It is depressing. The I have to force myself to give a shit about everything else, while I feel like nothing about me matters at all. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. It's just hard...

Not A Fun Day...

Yesterday was his day off. We took the kids to the zoo. This zoo has to be the worst zoo we've ever had the displeasure of visiting. 

The parking lot is not so much a parking lot, as it is a partitioned field. There is about an acre of dirt and grass to park on. That's not so terrible. Great way to cut costs and focus on the animals, right? well...one of the first things you see as you walk up is a set of train tracks for their toy train. Tat means one of the first things your kids see is the nine dollar per person train. So, if you happen to have a young child that is mildly obsessed with such things, you are looking at your first meltdown. 

The next thing you will note is the admissions line. Not a big deal, right? They have three admissions windows. It seems like they are not too efficient, since the line stretches back 1,000 feet, wraps around all the way back, and out across the train tracks. You are going to stand in line for about 45 minutes. Fun! The entire time, you have dueling attention grabbers. The carousel, and the damned train. It isn't until you get to the tickets window that you realize that it isn't simple inefficiency. They are also trying to upsell everyone to their walk on water bubbles, zip line track, bungee jumping, etc. Oh, well. Not paying another 100 dollars for all that.

That's when the true horror begins. You have to walk through those thing, and past those thing, to get to the zoo entrance. Your *kids* have to walk through and past those things on the way to the actual zoo entrance. It's okay though, soon you will be safely within the confines of the fantastic zoo ad botanical garden....

Except, as soon as you enter...

The first thing you see, and your kids see, is the giant splash pad. Why? Why is this even here?? Of course, you are now a monster. An unfair jerk. A bully and a villain, because you told you kids no. No. That is not what we're here for. There is a huge splash pad just down the street from home. Right next to the ocean. For free. We didn't spend 70 dollars to do stuff we can do for free. Let's go see the animals. 

Well. It was lackluster at best. They did have a few big cats. No, not lions or tigers. Nope. But they were cool. They have two rhinos. Two. That made my day. Some giraffes, snakes, river otters. More camels than anything really. That would not have bothered'extras me s much if that had not spent so much focusing on the extras. f course, the kids could only focus on those things, and they were unhappy. So he was mean, and unhappy. But things got a little better on the way out. Shaved ice makes everyone happy.

For a while.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Walmart? Well, I do. It is a deep loathing. It is always far less pleasant with the kids, because he never wants to buy them anything, but they want him to. He literally lost his shit in there. I asked a question about the pizza he planned to buy for dinner. He lost his shit. I told him off this time, for all the good it did. I still left in tears and cried all the way home. I hate having days like this...